MY YEAR IN REVIEW

I don't try to contemplate on the past but instead, use it as instrument to guide my future. What I have learned from my mistakes, I carry those lessons forward and try not to make them again. This past year was a banner for making mistakes. We make choices good in bad in so many ways. What we say, what we write, the way we respond to people, when we respond, it all effects how are choices are perceived. Some things I wish I could go back and change while others, well, I wish they didn't change fast enough.

I was thinking deeply about whether I was even going to post this but I felt that I need to at least get some things off my chest so I could move forward. Sort of a lessons learned exercise. Something I learned in my years as a project manager. See, I view each choice, relationship, event and so on as a project. There is always an beginning and an ending. A start and a finish. I started a lot of new relationships, a few ended. I can't chalk it up to fate but it is what it is. Some projects are still going strong and others failed. One in particular really bothered me but I'm not going to digress. It's done and over and maybe for the best.

On a better note, my classes are almost over but like some projects. There seems to be a funding issue but I am going to do the best I can finish this up. Maybe I can get a scholarship or grant to help stipend these last two quarters. I am almost 90% sure I will continue for my masters but I am not going to focus on that now. Just want to get over this hurdle. I just wanted to thank all my friends and supporters, you have made the difference in me getting through this.

I didn't want to make this long so I will close. I wanted to at least scratch the surface and reflect a bit on my past year. Most of you already know all the stories so I won't bore you with rehash. This year started out mixed. Some good, some well, we'll see. I took on some new roles at work. My boss retired at the end of the year and now I have all his admin duties. I don't know if this means I am going to be offered his post but who knows. I don't really care for management but I wouldn't turn it down either if it meant a bit more pay.

With that said, here are a few things I have noticed or learned over the past year:

1. Don't over explain, be brief and to the point.
2. When the situation calls for a joke or sarcasm, know the difference.
3. Avoid discussions regarding women and shopping. Specially footwear.
4. Carnivores should avoid vegetarian diets at all cost.
5. Take time to compliment.

Well, that's all I have for now but if you think of anything else, please feel free to tell me about it.

So, in closing I wanted to leave you with this thought. As a big fan of brit actor Rowan Atkinson, I loved his role in the "Blackadder" so I leave you with this final exchange. Atkinson is playing the role of Edmund.

Baldrick: No, the thing is: The way I see it, these days there's a war on, right? and, ages ago, there wasn't a war on, right? So, there must have been a moment when there not being a war on went away, right? and there being a war on came along. So, what I want to know is: How did we get from the one case of affairs to the other case of affairs?

Edmund: Do you mean "How did the war start?"

Baldrick: Yeah.

George: The war started because of the vile Hun and his villainous empire- building.

Edmund: George, the British Empire at present covers a quarter of the globe, while the German Empire consists of a small sausage factory in Tanganyika. I hardly think that we can be entirely absolved of blame on the imperialistic front.

George: Oh, no, sir, absolutely not. (aside, to Baldick) Mad as a bicycle! Baldrick: I heard that it started when a bloke called Archie Duke shot an ostrich 'cause he was hungry.

Edmund: I think you mean it started when the Archduke of Austro-Hungary got shot.

Baldrick: Nah, there was definitely an ostrich involved, sir.

Edmund: Well, possibly. But the real reason for the whole thing was that it was too much effort *not* to have a war.

George: By God this is interesting; I always loved history -- The Battle of Hastings, Henry VIII and his six knives, all that.

Edmund: You see, Baldrick, in order to prevent war in Europe, two superblocs developed: us, the French and the Russians on one side, and the Germans and Austro-Hungary on the other. The idea was to have two vast opposing armies, each acting as the other's deterrent. That way there could never be a war.

Baldrick: But this is a sort of a war, isn't it, sir?

Edmund: Yes, that's right. You see, there was a tiny flaw in the plan.

George: What was that, sir?

Edmund: It was bollocks.

In The Beginning...

It is no small escape of the imagination that I didn't have a lot of Christian influence in my early years in life. I grew up in a small town in New Jersey called Burlington and attended the Tabernacle Baptist Church as far back as I could remember. Unlike churches today, Tabernacle was born in the community and served it and it's members for many years. Much like me, the church has grown and though I have grown away from organized religion, Tabernacle still remains a pillar in the community in Burlington. But, this is not about the church. Well maybe not intently.

I remember as a small child, sleeping in my grandmother's arms as the service drew through it's highs and lows. The sound of the pastor's booming voice would both soothe and awaken me. Not knowing what the words being spoken at the time meant, yet I would feel a sense of peace and strength in them. I would bask in the glow and warmth of environment that the church provided. As a child, I would often stare upon the smoothly plastered walls painted a faded pink or peer through the stained glass windows emblazoned with the names of the founding church members and short bible verses. The original sanctuary has long been demolished and was replaced several year ago by a brand new multipurpose center. Another sign of the church's growth and expansion over the years.

Like the church, the years have expanded it and it has grow. Now taking up most Second Street, it is no longer the a small community church. I have expanded a bit myself but that was a result of my going beyond the community I grew up in. So, why do I reference this humble beginning in my life? Like this once place I called my Christian home, I have grown beyond it's borders and beyond the basic concepts I once learned about from the bible. Let just say like Luke Skywalker discovering the Force, I too have discovered a power even deeper within my being.

Say it be some sort of logic or intuition, I see people now for what they are. At this point in my life, if I call you a friend, it really means something. Up until recent, I had lived a very reclusive life. Very few friends if any. I avoided family or even occasional contact with anyone. Not because I was made to, I was unwary of people's intent in my life. I did not want any close associations because I didn't want to be hurt or hurt anyone. Seriously, I was hurting myself more.

I refused this self imposed hermitage of so many years and started reaching out to people. Some embraced my friendship yet some drew away. I am thankful for both. Family members I either never knew about or only saw on that occasional family reunion trip, I now communicate with them as though I have been with them all my life. I wish I could explain what happened or why but I just asked myself; Self, why are you so lonely? You have hundreds of people who want to be your friend yet you disregard them. You have family who want to know what you are doing. Why don't you just get out there and first be a friend to yourself. So I did.

So, how does this all come together? The church thing, my early childhood, friends and family? I realized that like the walls of the church, they would have been lonely without that stained glass. The names etched into them where the names of friends and family who had been instrumental in the foundation of that church. Without them, they were just as lonely and empty as I had been for a good part of my adult life. The rich tapestry of family members and friends of that church allowed it to grow. I felt a bit of warmth not from the physical but from the love that was the church. Even looking at it now, it still remains the pillar but it is much stronger, wiser, friendlier. Like me. So I say to you my new friends, be that pillar, that strength, that warmth, that friend.

You missed me, didn't you?

I know, you haven't heard a peep from me in so long. The past few weeks have been rather busy for me and my brain, well it just ain't been it's usual productive self for quite some time. I managed to end up with a "B" in one of my classes and it shook me a bit. A "B" what the? Seriously, I did not "feel" any of this last quarter. To many emotional elements and out right craziness going on.

Gladly, things have settled down a bit and I have a lot more clarity on the direction of things to come. It's tough when you hit that life changing age (you know, mid life crisis) and the inner child wants to get out and frolic. No, I am not looking at buying a sports car or trying to recapture my youthful days. I rather like where I am at. Yes, I would like some things to change but I have to look at the realistic value of things.

One, I ain't getting any younger. Am I? I mean, I feel now like I should have felt when I was 30 somethin'. Coming out of a reclusive existence was not easy. A whole lot of things have changed and then, have they? Maybe I am expecting to much of myself and I should just sit at home and grow old. Needless to say, I am looking forward to making some more changes in the way I do things over the next few months.

So, this last quarter is the wrap-up of the classes I need for my concentration. After that, I have three more classes of my choosing. Always good to save a few electives for the end. Other than that, I surprised myself by adding a few community TV production classes to the mix. Most are one day, evening type seminars. I need them so I can do community TV for this business I am working with. Yeah, it has a lot to do with some of the work I am doing with Hip Hop Wall Street. I also plan to be adding some kids programming to it with some puppet shows.

I started reading a Nora Roberts novel a couple weeks ago. I had never contemplated reading a romance novel but I do remember reading a couple Jacqueline Susann novels when I was much younger. Like, how many of you have read Valley of the Dolls before age 13. Or, have read any Xaviera Hollander or the Last Tango in Paris? Yeah, that's why. Any hoodle, I almost forgot how much I like the way a story is told in book form. You get to envision the story in your mind and you almost get carried away into the writers world. Not a bad place to be sometimes. I needed to get my head out of the technical stuff. It works fine for the job but doesn't do anything for the reality of life.

I had some other things that were on my mind but they are not that important or they just don't matter any more. I can take things a lot better than when I was a lot younger. So, I'm rambling on about this and that with no coherent point to my reasoning. One day, all this will make sense. What I'm doing now. What I did. What I will be doing. It all has purpose. Part of my sinister plot to get...Heh! I'm not gonna give that away. Not yet!!! Y'all be sweet for now. I'll holla back at you later.

A Big Heaping Pile of Apology eh Apathy eh Epithany

If I were to term the past couple months of my life in a song, it would probably be something like "What a fool believes" or "Something going on crazy inside my head". I mean what the hell was I thinking? You don't have to answer that. At least not yet.

I owe a very big public apology to someone and here it is. I am so very sorry that I didn't hear you when you first mentioned how you felt about some of my posts. I had to work through some personal issues and now that I got it out of my system, I am in a much clearer mindset and able to move forward. So I ask your forgiveness. Regardless, I was being very insensitive and immature and that is not what someone would expect of a mature professional man of 51 years. It also is not an image I want my children to have of me and I am glad you brought it to my attention. I have never felt something hit me in the gut that hard and believe me, I have taken a few to the gut before. I value your friendship more than I value what silliness I can post in a blog and I will not violate that trust again. Personally, I never want to hear someone tell me they were in tears over something I posted unless it is something worthy of those tears.

With that having been said, I have removed several posts that I felt were below my standards of writing. Yes, they were about me but they were stories I should have never availed to public viewing. Even though I took care to write them in a manner not to be blatantly descriptive or in some sense pornographic, the fact remained that they were. As much as two of the stories were very true, the other two were slight exaggerations of the facts. Other post were just mere banter and added no value to what I like to write about. I am a good writer and I can make most any story believable. I'll stick to the truthful facts from here on out and no more personal relationship stuff. I'll leave the fantasy stuff to Penthouse. I think you get the point.

So to my many friends and fellow bloggers, I bid adue for now. Yeah, this was short and sweet but I need to get this out. Maybe I'll have something new this weekend to write about. My video projects are coming along pretty good and we are working on several 30 min segments for broadcast on public TV. Michael Stewart Issac (Hip Hop Wall St) is hyped about the project and has some good material. I'll be sharing some of that with you including a bit of some inside footage of one of our taping sessions in the near future. I also got conformation that I will also be producing an interview with Nick Hagelin and his lovely wife. So look forward to some more good stuff coming out in the next few days.

Mosh Pit Doggie Style

First of all, if you think this is going to be one of my infamous sexual exploits, well it ain't. So I won't disappoint you later, I 'll tell you up front. I've had to deal with a lot of my own personal issues and I think I almost have them worked out. I had to let some things go that were really putting me in a mental tail spin and that shit ain't good for me on no level. I've had to reconcile a lot of things that had been plaguing me for years and it was not healthy for me to keep revisiting those things in my mind because they kept me from moving forward and were constantly cluttering up my mind.

Either way, it's pretty much over and I am moving forward from this point. Those who know me know what I'm talking about. Life is just to short to be caught up in emotional black holes. That goes for people to. I really don't have time for the mind games and immature "she-nanegans". Yes, I misspelled it on purpose. So what. Regardless, I got my game face back on and I'm cruisin' back on the my own groove. I got a whole new host of friends out there that support what I am doing and I am reciprocating the groove their diggin'.

So yeah, in my past, I was an ominous prick. I really don't know how I lived with myself but I made it through this far. I've learned where to apply my prickyness and boy has he got some shit for you now. I guess turning 51 in a couple more weeks isn't turning out to be half as bad as I thought it would. I might even get a few birthday gifts after all the shit I've been through. If not fuck em. I can get it myself.

As for all those who have read my blogs and have had a jowl dropping moment. Get the fuck over it. Besides, a couple stories are mere fabrication but I'll never tell you which ones they are. It's the power of being able to write. I have a unique gift of being able to weave fact and fiction into a story and make it so believable you would think it was for real. Oh, and stop trying to figure out which ones are the fibs. You will never be able to do it and I think you know who I'm talking about. I was psychoanalyzing people for quite some time. I'm a big enough nut, I don't need another one screwing shit up.

With all that said, my weekend has been glorious because I have been able to shed some emotional dead weight. I have been able to relax and actually have a chance to reflect back on all the shit that has been plaguing my tender emotional state and laugh at all of it. How silly of me, won't let this happen again. So thanks to all my blogger support for seeing me through this and all those wonderful words of support. What would I have done without you folks by my side? And as for that serial mental rapist, my ego was stroked but thats about it, bah bye!!!

And now I leave you this to ponder: "There is a wisdom brothers and sisters that stands above all others. Never, ever. No matter what. Drop your egg." - Lovelace -"Happy Feet"

Christine's question and my reponse

Christine asked this question and so I am honoring her request by posting this: Ok what do you do for a living or at leisure?

As a living, I am an IT Project Manager for the North Carolina Department of Transportation. This pays my bills and gives me a modest income to support my scotch habit and occasional boating jaunt (I am a power boater). I usually rent a specific condo in Oceanside (The better side of Va Beach) and chill. It is my private place and I do not take anyone but Ginger with me when I go. Ginger is some what the center of my life now and she doesn't mind my misgivings. Dogs are so great at unconditional love. We could learn a lot from them. Except for the butt sniffing thing.

Music is my other passion and although I am not an accomplished musician. I enjoy playing normally for myself and Ginger. She just puts her paws over her ears, seriously. My other music passion is that I am working on producing a couple of local artist and getting there video and audio projects recorded and marketed. Other details of this are part of my private life so I won't go into any long drawn out explanations.

I enjoy my privacy a lot but I am also a very lonely man. I am trying to get past that and be more outgoing. Other parts of my life I keep very private because I have been hurt by letting people in who did not have good intentions or my feelings at heart. So it is hard for me to open up to people. I'm trying but it is hard. So I crawl back in my shell and wait for the next opportunity.

The fact that I am saying this much is a testament that I starting to overcome my fears. I just hate putting my heart out there and it gets crushed and that’s where I am now. I sulk a bit, drink a bit of scotch, read a good book and get over it and I am back on target. I try not to dwell to much on life's issues. Besides, several women think I would make a good husband and unfortunately, they are all married. So that sums up my living and my leisure. Oh. I also enjoy going to VT football games. My nephew was playing until he tore his ACL in practice and now has to sit out this season to recover.

The solution is in the clutter

I know some of you will think what the hell? No, it's nothing bad or devious as I am purported to be. Just something about me that makes me unique from a lot of other people. The fact is that what most people see as normal, I see mathematical formulas. It's just the way my brain works. This is where I get my sense of intuition. If something doesn't compute, it shows as an error in my mind and I start calculating possible solutions. Oh yeah, your saying, yup, he's gone nuts. I jest you not.
I attribute this to the reason I am an introvert. So lets explore some of the advantages of my condition if you want to call it that.

10) Work Well With Others, Especially In One-to-One Relationships

9) Maintain Long-Term Friendships

8) Flexible

7) Independent

6) Strong Ability To Concentrate

5) Self-Reflective

4) Responsible

3) Creative, Out-of-the-Box thinking

2) Analytical Skills That Integrate Complexity

1) Studious and Smart

I had recently took a test (Myers-Briggs) to determine my personality type and these were the results:

You seek meaning and connection in ideas, relationships, and material possessions. You want to understand what motivates people and are insightful about others. You are conscientious and committed to your firm values. You develop a clear vision about how best to serve the common good. You are organized and decisive in implementing your vision.

So I hope this explains a little bit more about why I am who I am.

Here are some other traits I poses:

Enjoy time alone
Consider only deep relationships as friends
Feel drained after outside activities, even if they were fun
Good listener
Appear calm and self-contained
Think then speak or act

Want to learn more? Visit: http://www.theintrovertadvantage.com/